All Rise...

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here, warns Judge David Johnson.

The Charge

This legend is real.

The Case

Presenting Chupacabra!, the off-Broadway musical based on Chupacabra Terror (also released as Chupacabra: Dark Seas).

SCENE 1: An unnamed forest at night. Large men with guns mill about. DR. PEÑA (Giancarlo Esposito) paces nervously, cradling a giant tranquilizer gun.

LARGE MAN: Sir, we are all set. But are you sure we'll find it? It's dark out and we've been --

DR. PEÑA: Yes! Tonight is the night! I've told you already.

LARGE MAN: Yes sir. (He walks off to set up a net trap.)

DR. PEÑA: Tonight must be the night. It must be. (sings:)

Oh Chupacabra!
I've waited so long!
My Chupacabra!
I just can't be wrong!

For years I've hunted,
For years I've searched,
In many countries, near and far!
In deadly forests,
Full of beasts
(Sometimes in local strip bars).

Oh Chupacabra!
Tonight is the night!
My Chupacabra!
I won't leave without a fight!

Your existence is legend—
A flesh-eating fiend
With a thirst for blood and armored skin!
Men fear you
And die by your claws,
But I do not! I welcome you in!

Oh Chupacabra!
Come to me now!
My Chupacabra!
(You precious cash cow.)

LARGE MAN: Aaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!

The men turn in time to see LARGE MAN being attacked by a dark shape. The net falls on both forms. DR. PEÑA fires a tranquilizer dart, and the monster lies still.

DR. PEÑA:

Oh Chupacabra!
My Chupacabra!
Dear Chupacabra!
You…are…mine!

SCENE II: A cruise ship is set to leave. CAPTAIN RANDOLPP (John Rhys-Davies, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King) is standing on deck, watching his passengers board. His nubile blond daughter JENNY (Chelan Simmons) stands with him. One passenger, LANCE (Dylan Neal, 40 Days and 40 Nights), a burly ex-Marine, approaches.

LANCE: Hi, Captain. Hello, bosomy young woman. I'm Lance and I'm here to investigate that rash of thefts you've had on the ship lately.

RANDOLPP: Oh yes, hi. Thank you. We can use your help.

LANCE: Pardon me, but didn't you serve in the Gulf War?

RANDOLPP: Yes, why?

LANCE: Well, you rescued me once. I needed to tell you that to set up the fact I'm a bad-ass ex-military guy and that may come in handy later.

RANDOLPP: Yes, of course. (pause) Okay, time to set sail! (sings:)

All aboard! All aboard!
It's time for us to go!
Settle in! Settle in!
Give me a heave and give me a ho!

Our suites are pristine,
Are food is delish,
We have one goal—
To grant your every wish!

So roll some dice
Or play the slots,
We'll pour the wine
Throw the lobsters in the pots!

Off we go, upon the sea,
Drink in the bright blue sky!
This boat is strong and sure and fast—
It's made of CGI!

SCENE III: The cargo hold of the cruise ship. Some crewmen wheel a giant ominous brown box with big warning signs and a heavy-duty lock.

CREWMAN 1: Wow, look at this box. I bet it contains something dangerous.

CREWMAN 2: I think you're right. I can even hear something moving around inside…and growling too!

CREWMAN 1: Hey, let's open it, even though it's explicitly against regulations and is a job-terminating offense!

CREWMAN 2: Great idea!

The two men pry off the lock with a crowbar. They are immediately attacked and slaughtered.

CHUPACABRA (sings):

Aha! I am free!
Sprung from my prison,
Let loose from my trap!
So it is time for revenge
And a quick killing spree
(Then maybe a nap).

SCENE IV: The bridge. A nervous crewman reports to LANCE and RANDOLPP the discovery of some mutilated bodies. Stunned at the possibility that a brutal murderer is on the loose, RANDOLPP urges JENNY to go back to her room. He asks LANCE to escort her, before calling up the nearby Navy SEALS for help.

LANCE: Let's go, Jenny.

JENNY: Do you think we'll be safe from the monster?

LANCE: We have nothing to worry about. I have a gun. And my name is Lance, remember?

JENNY: Oh.

LANCE: Let me put it this way. (sings:)

I am Lance!
I am Lance!
I ain't no sissy-pants!

I've got a strong male name,
With a syllable count of one;
I've got some broad shoulders,
And this awesome gun.
I've got a full head of hair
And a lantern jaw;
When I eat my steak,
Baby I eat it raw!
I'm at the gym every day,
And tan twice a week;
My chest is shaven—
Go ahead, touch it, it's sleek!
Did I say I'm ex-army?
Well I am, and I'll tell you
I can crush your phalanx
With my thumb and my shoe!
So to summarize all that I've said:
Barrel-chested,
Oft-requested,
Shiny hair,
Withering glare,
Jaw that's clenched,
Manly stench,
Combat-trained,
Love John Wayne,
I play the game
With flawless aim;
I can't be tamed
With my obviously phallic name!

I'm Lance!

JENNY: Oh.

SCENE V: The Navy SEALS approach the cruise ship in a cheap-looking skiff that looks to have been stolen from an abandoned summer camp. The soldiers board, wearing khaki uniforms from the Target clearance rack and standard-issue plastic bicycle helmets.

SEAL COMMANDER: Heard you have a monster problem.

RANDOLPP: Um, are you guys the Navy SEALS?

SEAL COMMANDER: You bet. Why?

RANDOLPP: What's with the knee pads? Are you skateboarders?

SEAL COMMANDER: No. We're the highly trained arm of the United States elite fighting units.

RANDOLPP: It's just, I guess I wasn't expecting, you know, paintballers --

SEAL COMMANDER: Save it, Captain, and point us to where the monster is!

SCENE VI: The Navy SEALS corner the Chupacabra in the bowels of the ship and engage it in a firefight.

SOLDIER: Sir, the bullets are having no effect on this monster!

The Chupacabra tears the soldiers apart. Like all death scenes, this one is represented by a liter of chunky tomato soup thrown at the wall. The Chupacabra runs into the engine room, and LANCE, JENNY, and RANDOLPP pursue.

LANCE: I have an idea, but it involves blowing up this room.

RANDOLPP: Not to worry. This part of the ship is well above the water line, so there's no fear of flooding.

LANCE: Captain, I have a bad feeling that the laws of physics will be suspended in this instance and your ship will likely sink.

RANDOLPP: Nonsense! Do what you have to!

LANCE: Okay. Here goes --

The Chupacabra suddenly jumps out from the shadows.

CHUPACABRA (sings):
You want to take me on?
You think that's wise?
Look at how I've devoured these…
Uh…paintball guys?
Anyway, my point is I'm mean,
And hungry and strong,
And I'll dine on your entrails
All night long!

LANCE (sings):
Ha! I scoff at your threats!
You ugly-ass freak!
I've a plan to destroy you,
Blow you into next week!

CHUPACABRA (sings):
Bring it on, pretty boy,
And do your worst.
I'll treat your right leg
Like a tasty bratwurst.

Lance miraculously picks up a live electrical wire and touches it to the Chupacabra.

CHUPACABRA (sings):
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
No, that can't be!
That's a live wire!
You can't pick that up!
Great…now I'm on fire!

LANCE (sings):
Sorry pal, but it's time to go,
It seems this ship is about to blow.
But before you die, you should know,
Those million watts give you a healthy glow!

LANCE, JENNY, and RANDOLPP jump into the Navy SEALS' boat and flee, just as the engine room explodes and, despite the fact it's above water level, does in fact cause the ship to sink.

RANDOLPP: Well, what do you know?

JENNY: Sorry, daddy.

LANCE: Yeah, sorry, Captain.

RANDOLPP (sighs—and sings):
Night has fallen, the clouds now part,
The moon is out, hope pierces my heart;
I've lost my ship and many have died,
But my daughter lives, and I saved my hide!

The monster is gone, and I'm glad we stopped it.
Yeah, this movie sucks
But it's better than taking orders
From a frickin' hobbit.

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