Tags ArchivesFamily

Down on the Farm (DVD) standard

Pure manure. Have you ever had a day so hard and crappy the only salve that would sooth you hollowed-out, blackened soul is to see the looks of pure disappointment on someone with a cheerful disposition. Well, have I got the balm for you, oh miserable bastard. It’s called Down on the Farm and park some bubbly kid in front of the TV, show him the disc cover with the cheerful cartoon farm animals, pop the disc in, and press play–and watch the word “crestfallen” transpire in real time. What a waste of time this is. Down on the Farm has no discernible plot. Well, maybe it’s got a tiny, discernible plot. And here it is: Oink the Flying Pig and Boink the ...

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Tales of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Super Shredder (DVD) standard

Ninja kick the damn rabbit. Always the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They are forever. They are eternal. They are Legion. I don’t know how many iterations of the heroes in a half shell the collective pop culture consciousness can absorb, but from my perch, the answer is quite obviously: all of them.  All of the iterations. Geez man, I remember dive-bombing  my Donatello action figure from the top of our house deck way back when–and I just turned 40 two weeks ago! Those Turtles have staying power and no matter the generation there appears to a real thirst for the continued chop-socky adventures of gang green. Here now is yet another version, Nickelodeon’s Tales of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I ...

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Blaze and the Monster Machines: Race into Velocityville (DVD) standard

Blaze up, bro Here we have another batch of episodes from Nick Jr.’s high-octane kids show. Blaze and the Monster Machines relays the adventures of a talking, living monster truck named Blaze who has a kid named AJ riding shotgun wherever he goes, which, to be honest seems a little weird. Anyway–who am I to argue with physics? Especially since Blaze is all abut introducing early concepts of STEM (science, technology, engineering and mathematics) to the kiddos. So, hey, they’d know a lot more about the science behind the unholy union between man and machine. So this DVD has six episodes: RACE CAR BLAZE RACE TO EAGLE ROCK SKY TRACK THE WISHING WHEEL THE HUNDRED MILE RACE THE POLAR DERBY Not ...

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Star Paws (DVD) standard

Lost in spays. Here’s this movie called Star Paws. I was morbidly intrigued, mainly because of the cover which looks less like the art of a coherent children’s film and more like a graphical transcription of Jim Henson’s fever nightmare. The way it plays out makes even less sense. The best I can make out is that millions of years ago there was a magic bone or something and it holds the key to dog and cat future and two warring factions of domesticated pets far in the future are racing each other to travel back to get it. And here’s how it plays out: a few dogs are positioned in front of a green screen and they stare blankly ahead ...

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