Isn’t “Kids Pro Wrestling” an oxymoron?
EXPERTS BEFUDDLED BY MYSTERIOUS LIGHTS IN THE SKY
ALASKA (World Press) — Scientists are in a mad scramble to determine the cause of a bizarre atmospheric anomaly that ripped through the midnight sky over Hoonah, Alaska. Witnesses describe a sudden flurry of blue and white light, followed by intense heat and a loud, crackling sound.
“It was so bright and so loud,” says Robert Webster, who was taking out the garbage when the event occurred. “I thought it was nuclear blast at first. I don’t think it is now, though.”
While most experts have written the pyrotechnics off as a freak weather occurrence, some members of the scientific community have formed other opinions. As Dr. Antoine Messler from the Neutron Foundation put it, “I and some of my colleagues feel this recent event in Alaska is, in fact, a temporal tear in the space-time continuum. For a brief moment, the fabric of the universe ruptured, offering a window into another dimension.”
Though Dr. Messler and his comrades at the Neutron Foundation are described as “quacks” and “delusional Star Wars nerds” by other members of the scientific community, their multiverse theories and trans-dimensional portal conjectures are quite popular in some circles (primarily young males, 25 to 35, who still live with their parents).
LOCAL MAN CLAIMS “OTHERWORLDLY FIND”
By Jeb “Bearclaw” Warner, Hoonah Bi-Monthly Messenger and Dispatch
When Lionel “Fox-tail” Greene went outside on Tuesday morning to start his car, he wasn’t expecting to find evidence of the existence of extraterrestrials. According to Greene, he found a rectangular object lying embedded in the snow covering his truck’s hood, with odd scorch marks surrounding it.
“I had no idea what it could be,” he said. “My first thought was…well, to be honest, I didn’t have a first thought. But my second thought was that it may have had something to do with that fireworks display I read about.”
The object turned out to be a DVD case. Despite the almost universal assertion by experts that it is part of a hoax, Greene still believes the DVD is not of this world.
“For starters, I don’t even have a DVD player,” he said. “Also, I don’t even know what a DVD is!”
The DVD in question appears to be an odd compilation of wrestling matches from the mid-1980s, featuring children, entitled NWF’s Summer Sizzler Extravaganza. The item has been donated to an Alaskan state school for research, the University of Delta Junction, for further analysis.
“This weird DVD just appeared in our mailbox one day,” said Professor Norman Spencer. “It was addressed to ‘Smart-asses’ with no return address. Thanks for clarifying this for us.”
From the blog “Funky Cow Lips”
MYSTERY DVD BLOWS MY MIND
Hey folks. So I finally got a hold of that DVD I told you about here and here. It’s the one where some yokel claimed it fell from the sky. Of course I was skeptical, but a friend of mine cleans the bathrooms at the University of Delta Junction, and found it sitting in one of the garbage cans. He sent it over for me to take a look, and I did. My verdict? It can not be of this earth. Now I’ve seen some crazy stuff in my life, but nothing is as insane as NWF Kids Pro Wrestling Summer Sizzler Extravaganza. The thing is two hours of kids “wrestling” in a high school gymnasium, in front of like twenty people, the majority of whom, I’m guessing, are distant relatives or home economics teachers.
The feature is hosted by the coordinator of this league, and one of its wrestlers, “Crusher Crossen.” It’s been twenty years since he and his friends frolicked in the ring, and it’s apparent he’s still desperately clinging to these memories. The guy even wrote a book titled “Pro Wrestling Kids’ Style.” Perhaps there’s a sequel in the works, “Treating Head Trauma Kids’ Style”?
Anyway, the whole thing is filmed with a home camcorder and sports some hilarious “post-match” trash-talking by squeaky-voiced pimply teenagers. If there is an alternate dimension out there somewhere, this DVD came from it.
Posted by Frank at 12:44 p.m.
Excerpt taken from the review of NWF Kids Pro Wrestling Summer Sizzler Extravaganza, written by David Johnson for the website dvdverdict.com.
So what we have here is a gaggle of kids of all ages (I’m guessing from 10 to 18) and all shapes (one tag team was introduced as having a “combined weight of 132 pounds”) setting up their parents’ video cameras and documenting their pseudo-wrestling exploits. I have to give them credit — judging from their post-match interviews and general disposition, I figure these kids have the cumulative I.Q. of a Chia Pet, but they actually put together an organized “league” and multiple events for a few years. That’s commitment.
Of course I can say without hesitation that the end product would be of interest solely to the kids-turned-adults themselves, perhaps wishing for a trip down Memory Lane, or enthusiasts of utter wastes of time. Yes, this disc has the kind of “I-have-never-before-seen-crazy-ass-crap-like-this” effect that you’d get from gazing at the flaming wreckage of a ten-clown-car pileup, but will that wear off? It did for me. In the end, this is someone’s home video footage of kids from the ’80s pretending to clothesline each other.
The video quality is as horrid, as you’d expect from twenty-year-old home video stock, and the whole affair is in full-frame. Shockingly, my receiver registers the audio signal as a 5.1 mix, but it sounds more like five channel stereo. Promos for a book about kids’ wrestling and future NWF DVD releases (there’s more?!) are it for extra features.
Lastly, to give you a clue about what to expect from this disc, the cover has a teaser proclaiming Featuring original footage from the recently published book: Pro Wrestling Kids’ Style. Video footage of a book, huh? Is that possible?
I remember hearing some crazy rumors that this DVD might be from another dimension. That’s a conspiracy theory I can get on board with.
After the publication of this review, we received an email from Shawn Crossen, owner of NWF Films. Needless to say, he did not agree with Judge Johnson’s negative review of this disc, and requested we give him the chance to respond:
To all of the individuals who actually read this tripe, let me just go on record to say that I was a participant in this “DVD from outer space.” Personally, I feel that the review, and quite possibly, the reviewer, are from outer space or another dimension. This reviewer admitted he was not a true fan of professional wrestling, therefore, was he really qualified to review this DVD in the first place? To ridicule kids, and go so far as to imply we were stupid, is just plain wrong and totally uncalled for. The wrestling on this video is nothing short of amazing, considering that the entire production, from the wrestling in the ring, all the way to the camera work, was totally run by kids. The action is just as good, and in some cases better, than most of the local indy cards that you can see today featuring adult professional wrestlers.
This DVD was not created solely for the participants, too much time, money, and effort went into the creation of this DVD for only a few people to watch. It is meant for all fans of professional wrestling to enjoy, and get a glimpse of what the NWF was all about. The NWF was a wrestling league comprised of kids of all ages which began on cable access TV in 1984, and now the forum is finally available to show everybody what a group of kids in 1986 were able to do with little more than imagination, ingenuity, and desire. The NWF Anoka Armory video series showcases the live events which took place at the Anoka Armory, taking the wrestling league from the small screen of cable access to live events which entertained hundreds of paying fans and spectators. This took place before “backyard wrestling” became a household word, and no other league of its kind had existed before, or has since. And that is what makes this DVD so unique.
To all who read the aforementioned review which sparked this rebuttal, especially to whom that are die-hard wrestling fans, an apology would seem in order from the reviewer. After all, to go so far in an attempt to not only sway people away from buying the DVD, but to ridicule and try to ruin all the hard work which took almost 20 years to put into it is just wrong and uncalled for.