Spoiler alert: Jared-Syn is destroyed.
The ’80s were glorious for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which was the torrential downpour of corny post-apocalyptic action movies thanks to the success of The Road Warrior. Of course, most of these wannabes weren’t fit enough to sniff the studded leather jock of the Lord Humungus.
But their earnestness is just so adorable.
Take Metalstorm. I strive to be a crappy-post-apocalyptic-movie completist, but this one managed to elude me. I am happy to rectify that oversight here, because, friends, this is a fantastic slice of B-movie badness.
Jeffrey Byron is Dogen, a nomadic badass in the wasteland. His fearsome laser gun shooting is only outpaced by his penchant for spray-tanning and eyeliner abuse. When he stumbles on a father-daughter team of gem miners, he discovers a new role for this crappy life: chasing after a pretty girl and involving himself in a property dispute with Richard Moll.
See, the evil Jared-Syn is trying to seize control of the desert. His cyborg son acts as his enforcer, using his synthetic arm to squirt green spooge on their adversaries. When the unfortunate target gets coated with the goop, he travels into an alternate dimension, where Jared-Syn shows up and sucks the life-forced out of the victim. It’s a good gig and has catapulted the duo to the top of the bad guy food chain.
It’s up to Dogen and his loose alliance of ne’er-do-wells and cyclopses to take on Jared-Syn’s clubhouse full of fraks and losers. The ultimate goal? The destroy Jared-Syn. Which they do, obviously.
If this sounds terrible it’s because it is. But don’t let that deter you. If you have even the slightest affinity for B movies, Metalstorm demands your attention. The visual effects are astoundingly bad. The line-delivery is ludicrous. And the story is nonsense.
But there are puppets! And sometimes in life that’s all you need.
Excellent Blu-ray from Shout! Factory, who really knows how to treat cult movies well. The rehabbed 2.35:1, 1080p transfer is vibrant, suited well for the over-the-top production design. Some solid extras, including a brand new retrospective featurette, a still gallery and radio spots.
Objectively awful, but sunburned fun.