About as much fun as a formaldehyde sponge bath.
Back in ancient Egypt times, whenever that was–maybe 50,000 B.C. or thereabouts–Isis and Osiris were the power couple of the day. Unfortunately, their wedded bliss is ruined by Set, a jackass who wants to take over the kingdom. So he snuffs Osiris and makes his move to the throne. Consumed with despair, Isis sneaks into her beloved’s tomb and performs some sorcery.
Fast forward approximately a million and a half years and a group of dink college students are huddled together late night in a museum, volunteers for a daring archaeological study of a mummy. Turns out, this triggers the release of the vengeful spirit of Isis, who starts dismembering the students (!) so she can piece together her long lost love and reclaim, I don’t know, the city block where the museum is located maybe.
You would be forgiven if you thought Isis Rising was going to feature some smattering of Cinemax level snogging. The disc claims sensuality and from the opening moments the production sports a quality level not far removed from whatever it was you and friend filmed in your garage in ’96.
The truth of Isis Rising is far more banal: it’s a terrible attempt at a horror movie that fails on everything it tries to do. And you know, I expected as much, which is why I requested it for review. Frankly, it’s been far too long since I’ve indulged in a low-budget pile of hot garbage and believe you me, Isis Rising serves up the goods.
The acting? Bad on a cosmic scale. These poor stiffs are reading their lines as if they know their pets are being suspended over a cauldron of boiling acid the next room over. Not that it really matters as the storyline is total nonsense anyway. Essentially, in between brutal “character moments” you get sporadic moments of gore and death as victims are systematically preyed upon by awful special effects. The upside: some of the prop guys have something to do, mocking fake bloody appendages.
And that’s the best I can I say about Isis Rising: it gave some bored prop guys something to do,
Guilty. Wrap, embalm and bury this thing in a sand dune.