Heidi: So what's it like working here?

Nick: It's like being in high school.

The Case

It seems there is hardly a job these days that doesn't warrant its own reality show. After exhausting the cooking and fashion professions, networks have gone on to create shows about such marginal career choices as tattooing, motorcycle construction, bounty hunting, cake decorating, and now, tanning. Sunset Tan: Season One chronicles the lives of employees working at a series of Sunset Tan salons in Los Angeles. We watch as they compete for seniority, balance their work and personal lives, and struggle to meet their bosses' expectations.

The main thrust of this first season is the competition between employees for the manager slot at the new Las Vegas location (it's pretty telling of the nature of the people involved that their biggest goal is to run a tanning salon in Las Vegas). There is plenty of back-biting, conniving, and smack-talking as a quartet of managers and workers jostle for favor with the owners in order to get the lucrative position. The owners, in turn, decide the best way to choose a manager is to fly the whole group to Las Vegas and have them publicly belittle each other, then act surprised when the whole thing goes into the toilet.

Our sympathies in this quest are supposed to lie with two employees: Nick, the manager of the West Hollywood location that is trying to advance as quickly as possible within the company, and Erin, a naïve Oklahoma girl who is learning the ropes and trying to adjust to life in L.A. Nick starts out the show as the only employee bothering to act professionally, but by the end of the season is revealed to be just as insecure and mean-spirited as everyone else. Erin initially resists indoctrination into the L.A. lifestyle, but eventually concedes and ends up as zombie-fied like every other woman in the cast. Everyone else is around to act as obnoxiously as possible as they sabotage each other's careers -- and often their own -- in the process.

Then we have the "Olly Girls," Holly and Molly. This pair of bleached-blonde bimbos has been hired for four specific reasons (try to guess what they are). The Sunset Tan duo of dunces is the biggest giveaway that this show is as fake as a spray-on tan; they are portrayed as dumb as hammers, but still manage to come up with incredibly clever and insightful comments. Even if the pair managed to get a clue, they are so impossibly bad as employees that there is no way that even the people who run this company would allow them to stay on, even as eye candy. Look for this pair to do a Maxim spread and a guest spot on a Two and a Half Men as Charlie Sheen conquests before they fade away into obscurity.

Who exactly is show made for, I ask myself? Has the tanning industry felt slighted by being left out of the reality show genre up to this point? Do tanning salon owners feel that their profession isn't getting the respect it deserves? Well, Sunset Tan: Season One won't do much to improve the image of the industry. Loaded with vain, unprofessional twenty-something's with no concept on how business (or even life) actually works, this show does for the tanning business what "Fast Food Nation" did for McDonalds.

The show tries to spice up the proceedings with a parade of celebrities coming into the salons for tanning treatments. We start out on a high note with a Britney Spears cameo, but the celebrity client list quickly descends to D-list status. Is Chris Kattan really that big of a deal? How about professional houseguest Kato Kaelin? Pauly Shore? Porn star Jenna Jameson? How about the ex-wife of steroid fan Jose Cansenco? If anything, this selection of bottom-run clients makes Sunset Tan look much more low-rent than it is supposed to be.

It's hard to believe that any company that appears to be as badly managed as Sunset Tan could continue to attract customers, let alone remain profitable. Employees and managers do little besides gossip and betray each other's confidences, and the two owners seem to spend most of their time dressing themselves in the most ridiculous and inappropriate outfits possible. Even if most of the shenanigans on display are generated for the camera, what kind of businessmen are willing to allow their company to assume the appearance of an out-of-control circus run by half-retarded monkeys? If Sunset Tan ever goes public, take my advice and short the hell out of it.

It was tough for me to tell at first glance if the color was off for this release, or if everyone featured was just too tanned and orange. Turns out it was mostly the release; the full-screen image possesses an intensity of the red color palette that causes flaring in several episodes. The only other shortcoming is some graininess present in the evening or night scenes. The audio is the standard 2-channel Dolby Digital, which is acceptable for this kind of fare.

The special features on Sunset Tan: Season One are pretty slim, even for a television release. In addition to three deleted scenes, we get a couple of minutes of cast interviews from a red carpet event. The bulk of the extras are twelve segments in which the Olly Girls demonstrate important tasks such as washing cars, building sand castles, and (I kid you not) how to perform CPR. This is soft-core cheesecake stuff, and isn't good for much more than some low-grade titillation. In short, don't count on what you learn helping to save someone's life if they have a heart attack.

This show isn't even a guilty pleasure; it's just plain guilty. Absent even of the "so bad its good" element that can redeem other reality shows, Sunset Tan: Season One is just bad, lazy entertainment in a field that is already too crowded with mediocre offerings.

Burn this one to a crisp.

The world's first television broadcasts -- brought to you by Nazi Germany.

The Case

In March of 1935, the world's first television broadcasting service went on the air with the words "Heil, Hitler." For the next nine years, Greater German Television ruled the airwaves. Newsreels, cooking shows, documentaries, educational program and variety shows trumpeted the glory of the Third Reich to German citizens from an 8 x 10 inch screen.

Television Under the Swastika is a brisk documentary, made for German television by director Michael Kloft (The Reich Underground), chronicling the world's first television shows. Archival footage provides a taste of what was seen during this time and a handful of historians put it in context. There are even personal accounts from a few surviving original staffers.

The first part of the documentary briefly talks about the technology of early television. Initially, the picture quality was so poor that Joseph Goebbels dismissed the medium as an effective propaganda tool. In the early days, only a few hundred television sets were available. Elite Nazi members had them installed in their homes and television parlors were set up for public viewings. It wasn't until the 1936 Summer Olympics that television gained popular acceptance when 160,000 Germans watched the games on TV screens.

The archival footage -- 285 reels of film recovered from the catacombs of the Berlin Federal Film Archive -- is the main attraction. Most programs were broadcast live and since a method of recording television did not exist yet, all of those broadcasts are lost. In order to have programs that could be rerun, a film troupe was tasked with producing content on 35mm film. Covering everything from interviews with Nazi officials to vaudeville acts and musical performances, these filmed programs are all that remain of Nazi TV.

It is no surprise that these TV shows openly promote the ideals of the Third Reich, but it almost seems comical how they practically beg for official approval. Though rife with Nazi propaganda, these programs did not match the frightening majesty of Leni Riefenstahl's films. One variety show host pauses to remind viewers that good Germans don't criticize the Nazi party. Instructional programs teach women how to be good wives for the cause of bettering the Aryan race. A sporting competition featuring amputees encourages maimed soldiers to find new ways of being useful. Ironically, one of the former film troupe workers tells us, the Nazi officials were largely hands-off when it came to television because the propagandists saw it as an "insignificant medium." Consequently, the television producers continually sought ways to demonstrate that they were essential to the war effort. As the tide turned against Germany, the role of television, and the nature of its message, moved away from cultural promotion and toward moral-boosting entertainment for recovering soldiers.

While it is quite satisfying to see so much of the recovered archival footage, the second half of the documentary drags. You can only watch so much Nazi propaganda before it feels tiresome. There are no key personalities in the film troupe, so the history of Greater German Television is less than engaging. Tracing the evolution of the broadcast service works well enough to provide a chronological framework for the various clips. The most fascinating information comes early when Kloft focuses on the technology of early television. The medium is so established now that no one ever stops to wonder how it actually works. The topic is only fleetingly covered, but I enjoyed the explanations of how the cameras and other equipment worked. However, I'm still unsure how filmed footage was broadcast. Did they simply project it on a wall and then point the TV camera at it?

This DVD presents the program in a translated English narration, without optional subtitles. The archival footage and some interviews retain their original German audio and these scenes are permanently subtitled. The soundtrack is reasonable strong, dialogue is clear, but it only does what is required for the program. The picture quality is good throughout and the new interview footage is bright and clean. The archival clips are visibly worn in places, with varying degrees of dust and scratches, but even these scenes have good image detail considering their age. Among the meager extras, you can read the director's biography on two screens of text. There is also a WWII film gallery that advertises for 14 other Nazi-themed movies available from First Run Features.

Television Under the Swastika is a treasure trove for history buffs with an interest in WWII, Nazi propaganda or early television. Who invented TV remains open to debate -- demonstrations of the technology date back to the 1920s -- but the archival footage on display here proves Nazi Germany was the first to establish a regular broadcast service. Accordingly, we can add bad television to the list of Nazi crimes. This DVD is not guilty and Kloft is free to dig up more material from history's well.

"Yoo-hoo? Osama?"

The Case

I'm sure many of you know documentarian Morgan Spurlock as the man who ate nothing but McDonald's food for a month in Super Size Me. While that film certainly brought him notoriety, it was his series 30 Days -- in particular the episode on what it's like to live on minimum wage -- that solidified his talents for me. Spurlock's irreverent wit can sometimes undermine the substance of his message, but he is a great communicator and has a unique voice. In Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? Spurlock takes on America's War on Terror; while there are many worthwhile moments in the film, this might have been too big a subject for a single film, especially one with such a broad focus.

In the movie, Spurlock explains that after learning that his wife was pregnant, he became concerned with his impending child's safety, which led to fears of international terrorism. Of course, Osama Bin Laden is pretty much the poster boy for that. So, in his bid to both understand what causes terrorism and motivates the terrorists -- as well as a quixotic search for Bin Laden himself -- Spurlock headed to some of the world's terrorist hot spots, such as Afghanistan, Israel, the Palestinian Territories, and Egypt. While there, he interviewed government leaders, intellectuals, and people on the street, who often provided the most insightful comments of all.

Of course, one of the biggest assets with any Spurlock documentary is its humor. Spurlock has great comic ability and, almost like a roving reporter on something like The Daily Show, his quips enliven otherwise banal conversation. Spurlock's jibes make otherwise pointless scenes -- such as his anti-terrorist training -- entertaining.

Spurlock also does a commendable job trying in presenting regular citizens of countries that many Americans consider enablers of terrorism. His conversations with people in Egypt and the Palestinian Territories are particularly interesting. In America, we so often hear sweeping generalizations about the Middle East, and it's worthwhile to be reminded of just how many people there seem not only mild-mannered, but downright friendly and generous. When Spurlock sits in a Palestinian family's living room and listens to the parents talk about educational opportunities for their children, you realize how the average American's concerns might not be all that different from the average Palestinian's.

That said, I have to believe that Spurlock's information gathering and presentation presents an overly superficial glimpse of the region and the causes of terrorism. To a certain extent it is hard to hold this against the film. How could one explain the incredibly complex political situation in the Middle East and Afghanistan and Pakistan in an hour-and-a-half movie? But still, Spurlock's methods can too often lead one to believe that the situation is more simple and straightforward than it really is.

An example of this is when Spurlock explains the United States' history of propping up unpopular dictators in the Middle East, in particular the Shah of Iran and Egypt's President Hosni Mubarak. Spurlock doesn't explain why America has supported these leaders, and even infers that this support helps bring about Muslim theocracies, like that in Iran. While Spurlock's larger point, that America shouldn't be supporting Middle Eastern dictators, may be sound, by neglecting to point out that many believe these dictators are subverting additional Muslim theocracies, he is withholding a salient viewpoint.

Additionally, Spurlock's pursuit of Bin Laden, which is never really meant to be taken seriously, serves as only as a loose unifying thread of the piece, as he often asks his interview subjects what they think of Bin Laden and/or where he is located. While the latter question generates some amusing responses, it is a bit of an insubstantial diversion from the real purpose of the documentary, which seems to be to provide viewers a better understanding of these countries at the front line of the War on Terror.

In addition to the film itself, the DVD features a nice assortment of extras. In addition to an alternate ending (no, he doesn't find Bin Laden in this one either) there are several interviews with foreign leaders and a particularly interesting featurette on what it is like to be a woman in Saudi Arabia, which is -- don't forget -- an ally in the War on Terror.

While Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? fails to provide great balance and insight, it is an enjoyable and thought-provoking documentary that is certainly timely this election season. Not guilty.

Leonard (to Penny): I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.
Penny: Holy Smokes!
Sheldon: If by "holy smokes" you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at M.I.T., sure.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Oh, come on. Who hasn't seen this differential below, "Here I sit, broken hearted"?

Opening Statement

As the newest comedy to fill the hole in CBS's Monday night line-up, The Big Bang Theory garnered a loyal enough fan base to swing a second season. With the first new episode less than a month away, let's take a look back on the geek-chic sitcom's freshman season, now available on DVD.

Facts of the Case

Roommates Leonard (Johnny Galecki, My Boys) and Sheldon (Jim Parsons, Judging Amy) spend their days contemplating string theory and their nights playing three-dimensional chess and arguing about comic books with their geek colleague pals Howard (Simon Helberg, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip) and Raj (Kunal Nayyar, S.C.I.E.N.C.E). But everything changes for the socially awkward tetrad when midwestern beauty Penny (Kaley Cuoco, Charmed) moves in across the hall.

The Evidence

You've got to hand it to CBS. Over the past several years, they've made a solid attempt at unseating NBC's sitcom dominance, thanks to a strong Monday night comedy line-up. Anchored by the bafflingly successful Two and a Half Men and the legitimately hilarious How I Met Your Mother, the only thing missing for the Big Eye has been a reliable replacement for retired network mainstay King of Queens, which ended its run in 2007. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss vehicle The New Adventures of Old Christine broke the Seinfeld curse back in 2006, even as promising series The Class found itself unable to graduate to a second season. With an open slot in the 8 p.m. hour, CBS rolled its twelve-sided dice on comic-com The Big Bang Theory in the fall of 2007 -- and it looks like they've got a winner.

Created by Chuck Lorre, the mind behind some of CBS's biggest sitcom properties (including Two and a Half Men and Dharma & Greg), Big Bang pairs industry mainstay Johnny Galecki with relative newcomer Jim Parsons. They might play physicists, but what's most noticeable about them is their chemistry.

Fans of Roseanne (a show co-produced by Lorre) know Galecki as David, young suitor to Sara Gilbert's moody Darlene. Fans of the TBS sitcom My Boys know him as the awesomely annoying "Trouty." Big Bang Theory (which reunites him with Gilbert, who plays Leonard's sometime love interest Leslie) gives Galecki his first chance to shine in a starring role. As by far the most fleshed-out and sympathetic character on the show, Leonard gives the wariest audience members an entree into the geekiest of worlds, and no one is geekier than Jim Parsons' Sheldon.

Sheldon is both fascinating and infuriating. A mix between Niles Crane and Star Trek: The Next Generation's Data, he approaches the world with the kind of arrogant literalism that makes not being a genius seem like secretly winning the lottery. Many episodes center on his inability to understand why he's so darn lucky anyone wants to hang out with him at all. Why, for instance, his three friends might want to kick him off their Physics Bowl team for refusing to let any of them answer the questions, or why hiding out at an all-day Planet of the Apes marathon is preferable to taking care of him while he's sick.

Though Sheldon's dangerously high IQ puts the show in danger of an atomic geekplosion, Kaley Cuoco's Penny brings things back down to earth. As the object of Leonard's not-so-secret affection, and someone who helps bring the guys out of their shells, Penny is basically the reason this show exists. And yet, Big Bang Theory's biggest problem is that she's severely underused. The hilarity of her getting to know the gang in the early episodes takes a dive about a third of the way through the season, until she's little more than a wacky neighbor who drops in on them occasionally, or whom they occasionally drop in on at the restaurant where she works. It's as if the writers knew she'd be a great foil for the geeks, but couldn't figure out how to develop her any further. Although her character gets some much-needed screen and story time at the end of the season -- and, if the finale is to be believed, will have even more to do in season two -- leaving such a talented actress with so little to do remains the biggest flaw in Big Bang's comic experiment.

Rounding out the cast are Simon Helberg as horny Jew Howard Wolowitz, and Kunal Nayyar's Rajnesh Koothrappali -- a man so terrified by women, he's unable to utter a syllable in their presence. Both manage to transcend the caricatures they often threaten to turn into.

The best and worst that can be said for The Big Bang Theory is that it's a solid show. Unlike many traditional sitcoms, the jokes are actually funny. Unfortunately, like many traditional sitcoms, the plots are...well...traditional. Most of the action takes place either in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment, or Penny's apartment, or where Leonard and Sheldon work, or where Penny works. One of the things the best modern sitcoms (My Name is Earl, 30 Rock, How I Met Your Mother, etc.) have proven is that variety is the spice of comedy. Those shows rely on outrageous plots and unlikely scenarios. Big Bang Theory, meanwhile, focuses way too heavily on staid sitcom storylines -- the Halloween party episode, the episode where the guys vie for a pretty girl's attention, the episode where someone's mother visits. The show's saving grace is that the characters and writers are able to make standard plot devices feel fresh and funny.

The Big Bang Theory: The Complete First Season features all 17 episodes of the strike-shortened season in industry-standard anamorphic widescreen. The colors are bright and crisp -- an important plus in a show where its characters wear a revolving wardrobe of comic book themed t-shirts and are surrounded by all manner of geek memorabilia including, in one episode, a replica of the Time Machine used in the 1960 film. The sound is limited to surround stereo, but it gets the job done and serves The Barenaked Ladies' catchy theme song well through the many, many times you'll end up hearing it.

The set's lone extra is a 17-minute behind the scenes featurette called "Quantum Mechanics." It's mostly clips from the show interspersed by Chuck Lorre and executive producer Bill Prady talking about how wonderful everyone is.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

One of the reasons I avoided The Big Bang Theory when it first aired was that networks don't have the best track record when it comes to representing nerd characters. Even ignoring the most outrageous offenders -- Urkel and Screech, I'm looking at you -- it seems whenever a script calls for a geek, an executive panic sets in that says, "Our audience can't relate to these characters, so we'd better limit what they say to Star Trek references." Though Big Bang deserves props for giving its audience enough credit to understand references to Green Lantern and Tron. Unfortunately, the show often relies on the old stand-bys. Star Wars jokes abound, as do references to Lord of the Rings and juice boxes.

But perhaps the biggest problem is that, despite painting its main characters as socially awkward geeks, there's a lot of effort put into trying to get them laid. By mid-season, three out of the four guys have had sex, and Wolowitz spends pretty much the rest of the season trying to do it again. Given the characters, it just doesn't seem right. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but would it be so wrong for Leonard to pine for Penny in a way that doesn't point out that his ultimate goal is to get her between the sheets?

Closing Statement

The Big Bang Theory deserves its second season, and if you missed the series last year, this is a good time to catch up -- though you may just want to give it a rental. There's room for improvement, but like any object at rest, this show is full of potential. All it needs is a push to make it great.

The Verdict

Since I can't understand what any of those formulas mean, I'll have to take your word for it. Not guilty.

The hottest cast of performers at the coolest summer camp anywhere!

Opening Statement

There's no denying The Disney Channel captured lightning in a bottle with High School Musical. But with this cash cow quickly heading out to pasture, the network was desperately searching for the next big thing. Luckily for them they had the Jonas Brothers (Hannah Montana's B-siders) in their back pocket. Unluckily for us, their cinematic debut is loaded with cookie cutter stereotypes, poor dialogue, lousy lip-synching, and bad bad acting.

Facts of the Case

Girl has a dream. Girl's hopes are crushed. Girl's dream comes true. Girl pretends to be someone she's not. Girl meets boy. Truth about Girl is revealed. Girl loses boy. Girl learns to live true to who she is. Girl wins boy back. Girl and boy live happily ever after.

The Evidence

Let's be honest. There's nothing original here. Mix High School Musical with Fame, Cinderella, Mean Girls, and a dash of A Hard Day's Night and you have Camp Rock. Then again, this is bubble gum entertainment for the tween scene, most of whom could care less that the films of their youth are shallow derivatives of greater tales. Heck, they get the Jonas Brothers on screen for an hour. That's what matters most.

Joe Jonas, the middle brother, plays Shane, a bad boy pop star banished to the role of celebrity camp counselor, after a falling out with his band -- Connect Three -- forces the cancellation of their summer tour. The camp is owned by his uncle (which has no impact on the story whatsoever) and is supposed to be the place where his rise to fame began three years earlier. In a Cinderella twist, Shane has become enchanted by the disembodied voice of a fellow camper -- Mitchie, played by Demi Lovato -- whom he's supposedly spending the summer trying to identify, but never really puts any effort into it. Mitchie is a girl from the wrong side of the gilded industry tracks. Instead of being the child of famous parent (like the rest of bunk-mates), she's the daughter of the camp caterer, which is how she was able to attend. Of course, to fit in, she makes up some bogus story about her mom, which ultimately proves her undoing. Hence, the film is peppered with classic teen messages of "be yourself," "don't lie," and "know who your real friends are," none of which come across as organic.

Demi, with her Michelle Branch/Vanessa Carlton vibe, holds her own in the vocal department and establishes a nice chemistry with Joe, albeit outside the scripted dialogue. Joe, on the other hand, is somewhat of a train wreck. Even during what's supposed to be quiet acoustical moment, when given the opportunity to do what he does best, director Matthew Diamond forces him to lip synch to an overproduced track in which either he or his brothers sing back up. This is shot with Shane and Mitchie on the pier, siting no more than two feet apart, and Joe belting out this tune like he's playing to stadium of 10,000 screaming girls. It's ridiculous.

Speaking of ridiculous, poor Meaghan Jette Martin is in way over her head as Tess, the golden child camp queen whose mom is a Broadway superstar. Without the chops to pull it off, this villainess is toothless and her so-called redemption is ill conceived and carries no weight. Aside from Demi, the only other two performance bright spots are Alyson Stoner (Mike's Super Short Show) as the geeky Caitlyn -- who actually learned how to sing just for this role -- and the youngest Jonas, Nick, who it turns out was the first of the brothers to be signed to a real life recording contract. The other two apparently tagged along for the ride.

Every possible summer camp, underdog, musical competition, "I'm famous but just wanna be a kid" convention you could possible imagine is crammed into this script, penned by vintage MTV comedienne Julie Brown (not Ms. Wubba-Wubba-Wubba) and her brother Paul who used to write for Quantam Leap and The X-Files. Even the finale, with it's Rocky rehearsal montage leading up to the big "Final Jam," plays out like an episode of America's Got Talent.

In the end, it's the adult production team who are to blame for dumbing things down to empty-headed banality. The kids do what they're asked, to the best of their ability, and you can't hold anything against them for that.

Presented in glorious Disney Channel full frame format, it crops out 25% of what was actually filmed in 1.78 anamorphic widescreen. Yet another bonehead move by the producers. The Dolby 5.1 audio is serviceable and your kids are likely to crank it up as they bounce around the room.

The bonus materials are crafted in the patented Disney Channel short attention span style, with lots of talking heads, in artistically formatted quick cuts, with an ever present musical underscore. All of these pieces tie into the "Rock Star" theme, headlined by the cast giving kids instructions on how to fast track their life to the big time in "How to Be a Rock Star!" The mini-doc "Jonas Brothers: Real-Life Rock Stars" tells the quick history of how the boys got into the business. "Introducing Demi Lovato" serves the same purpose for the young actress, in half the time. The rest are EPK fluff like the "Camp Memories" behind-the-scenes slide show; "Hasta La Vista" and "Too Cool" rehearsal footage; "Start the Party" and "We Rock" music videos; and karaoke/sing-a-long options for your own little rock stars.

Which brings me to an interesting point...the use of the word "Rock" here is sorely misconstrued. "Rock" is the Rolling Stones, The Who, Led Zepplin, The Doors, Aerosmith, AC/DC, Van Halen, and so on. What we're dealing with here is manufactured Pop. Big difference. In fact, there's one cabin scene between the three Jonas boys that could have been lifted right out of any episode of The Monkees, with Kevin doing a dead-on Peter Tork impersonation. So, referring to anything in this project as "Rock" besmirches 50 years of reckless abandon and downward spiral into sex, drugs, and creative genius. Hell, these kids aren't even allowed to share a kiss, knowing full well the look in their eyes says they want to jump each other's bones.

Closing Statement

Curmudgeonly critical analysis aside, Camp Rock is harmless Disney fun for the 7-15 crowd. They already own the soundtrack, know the lyrics, and have the choreography down cold. Buying the DVD is a no-brainer. But calling it exceptional cinematic entertainment is not gonna happen.

The Verdict

H-A-S-T-AAAAAA La Vista!

Isn't that special...sort of.

The Case

Dana Carvey's career trajectory had always been rather difficult to pinpoint. He started out in standup, his gift for mimicry and impersonation landing him some immediate local recognition. Yet when he moved from his Northern California home to try his hand at Hollywood, bit parts in Halloween II and a supporting part in the Mickey Rooney sitcom (?) One of the Boys were all he could muster. That all changed in 1986, when he won a role on the celebrated Saturday Night Live. As part of the late-night comedy cavalcade's latest renaissance of generational greatness, he made characters like Garth Algar, The Church Lady, and "pumped up" bodybuilder Hans household names. He also tackled political personalities of the time like George H.W. Bush and Ross Perot. After the triumphant spinoff film Wayne's World (with one Mike Myers), Carvey left SNL, hoping to capitalize on his meteoric rise. But since then, he's found little direct success. His solo starring vehicles (Clean Slate, The Master of Disguise) were minor mainstream hits, while supporting roles in The Road to Wellville and Trapped in Paradise did little to help. Even his own TV sketch comedy series only lasted five episodes. By 2002, he was all but absent from the cultural map.

As part of this live comedy concert, taped last year around his hometown of San Carlos, California, Carvey updates us on both his life and his living. You may know that he faced a health crisis in 1997 when doctors found a blockage in one of his arteries and decided to operate. Unfortunately, the surgery went horribly wrong, and Carvey faced several more procedures to correct the problem. In Dana Carvey: Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies, he mentions this now stable situation, suggesting that people stop him all the time and inquire over his well-being. Naturally, he finds a way to ridicule such concern. He also addresses his kids, another reason for this low-profile performance. Indeed, much of the material here focuses on the New Age-ist way parents try to partner with their offspring in order to avoid chaos. While his observations are rather obvious, they do resonate with an inherent ridiculousness that comes from the notion of negotiating with a 6-year-old. Carvey's comedy can best be described as '80s observational, taking a common phrase like "you're sh*tting me" and extrapolating out its origins and conversational possibilities to an exaggerated degree.

It's the same with his takes on public officials. Most of Monkeys' longform rants focus on Andy Rooney, George W. Bush, Gov. Schwarzenegger, Al Gore, and Bill Clinton. While not necessarily the most topical of takes (he does give Obama and Hillary the business, if only briefly), he seems to relish reducing politicians to their smuggest, most butt-kissing conceits. Carvey's standup style can also be considered quite manic -- like Robin Williams without the scattered stream of consciousness and penis obsession -- and it is weird to hear someone we've seen on television and in youth-oriented films dropping the F-bomb here and there. Still, there's no denying the man's connection with his fans. The crowd for Monkeys may be made up of hometown supporters and individuals reclaiming some Greed-decade nostalgia, but they enjoy every moment of his near hour-long routine. There are the occasional weak spots (the Scientology bit goes on far too long) and lots of incomplete thoughts, but the give and take between man and audience member is enough to carry us across the meandering. Indeed, for those wondering how Carvey came to prominence, and where he's been since, Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies is a good intro/reintroduction.

As a perfect means of contrast between the past and the present, HBO Video and this DVD package offers Carvey's only other comedy concert -- Critics Choice (from 1995) as part of this two-disc presentation. Far more freewheeling than Monkeys, this earlier work features the musical spoofs and parodies Carvey specialized in, as well as a more frenzied onstage shtick. In some ways, it's an unusual bit of added content, since it could possibly -- and frankly does -- usurp the main feature. Choice is the Carvey of SNL and stardom, the man who can do no wrong and knows it. Monkeys is a little more subdued, as if he's wondering whether audiences will still appreciate him.

Technically, the newer showcase outdoes its mid-'90s cohort in the all-important spec department. The 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen images are almost identical, with Monkeys' updated HD look winning out. The colors for both are clean and bright, and the amount of detail is rather rich and inviting. Carvey actually looks younger now than he did during Choice. Sonically, both presentations arrive with a simple Dolby Digital Stereo mix. The lack of audience immersion is not missed, however, since all the material comes across without an aural hitch. As far as bonus features go, Choice is the best. The Q&A with the Monkeys audience is just an excuse to revisit some unused riffs (the Church Lady, for one), while the extended footage is outtake quality only.

Of all the former SNL luminaries wearing out their welcome within the entertainment landscape (and we're looking at you, Guru Pitka), Carvey had the luck (or bad health happenstance) to drop out before he became a chore. Now he's back, and it definitely seems like the right time for a return. Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies may not be the greatest comedy concert of his career, but it definitely offers what Carvey does best -- making people laugh. Not guilty.

On stage she's a superstar. But at home she leads a totally normal life!

Opening Statement

The everyday appeal of Hilary Duff and the stage presence and energy of Shania Twain...ladies and gentlemen, Miley...ummm...I mean Hannah Montana!

Facts of the Case

What's better than Hannah Montana you ask? How about 90 minutes with Hannah Montana in concert in all her 1080p hi-def glory. What's better than hi-def Hannah? How about hi-def Hannah in 3-D? No, I'm not kidding. Welcome to the sold out Salt Lake City concert Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert.

The Evidence

I consider myself to be a fairly open-minded music aficionado. I love most classical music, jazz, and swing. I enjoy big band, industrial, and even some metal, but I just have to draw the line at country music, and just as Cheez Whiz is promoted as "cheese food," I consider most country music to be "music food." Yes, I've lost a dog at one time or another, had my heart broken, and had someone else drink my last beer, but I have never owned a pick-up truck, either foreign or domestic. So there is a fundamental lack of connection that impedes me from getting any significant level of enjoyment from country music.

Love him or hate him, American singer-songwriter Billy Ray Cyrus struck Platinum not once, but twice with his debut album Some Gave All in 1992 and the follow-up release, It Won't Be The Last, in 1993. I'd also say it's relatively impossible to mention the name Billy Ray Cyrus without conjuring up memories of his infamous hit song "Achy Breaky Heart." His own success aside, I doubt even good ol' Billy Ray could have foreseen the success his family would achieve with the birth of his daughter Miley Ray (Destiny Hope at birth) Cyrus in 1992 at the peak of her father's musical career.

Miley was bitten by the acting bug at just 9 years old when her family briefly lived in Toronto, Canada, and she guest starred on her father's TV series Doc. In 2003, she appeared in Tim Burton's film Big Fish and appeared with her father on the Colgate Country Showdown. Little did anyone know what was about to happen when 12-year-old Miley auditioned for the lead role in a new Disney show called Hannah Montana.

The Walt Disney Company has had a hand in generating successful TV programming for decades now, dating back to the anthology series The Wonderful World of Disney, which aired from 1954 to 2005. And who can forget the other legendary Disney show, The Mickey Mouse Club, which boosted the careers of now-legendary performers like Annette Funicello, Tommy Kirk, and Kevin Corcoran? When the show underwent a revival in the 90s, it served as the starting point for several American pop superstars and actors including Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Keri Russell, and Academy Award-nominated actor Ryan Gosling.

With Disney at the helm and the multi-talented Miley Cyrus leading the charge, the entire Hannah Montana machine has become a phenomenon for today's crop of teeny-boppers. I mean no disrespect when I say that either, as Ms. Cyrus has won the hearts and ears of a massive audience of young boys and girls around the world. Following the debut of the TV show in March 2006, Miley Cyrus found herself at the forefront of a surge of success that has yet to subside. The show has a solid family appeal that, despite an often annoying laugh track, is not bad at all. And when it comes to singing and stage presence, you'd be hard pressed to find Miley Cyrus' equal in her own age bracket, or many others for that matter.
With talent this big, Disney likely realized early on that they had lightning in a bottle, releasing a CD of music from the show in late 2006. In December 2007, Miley Cyrus was ranked 17th on the list of Forbes top 20 earners under the age of 25, with annual earnings of $3.5 million. And as of December 2007, Cyrus began working on a feature film spin-off of Hannah Montana, titled, appropriately enough, Hannah Montana: The Movie, due to be released in May 2009.

Okay, I may not be the target market for the show, but with an 8-year-old daughter in the house, I knew I'd eventually be laying my hard-earned cash at the feet of the All Powerful Cyrus. It began slowly with posters, CDs, and other miscellaneous trinkets and to this point, I just consider myself lucky that until now, my home town hasn't been a concert tour stop, or I know my VISA would be feeling the pain of that as well. I still get immeasurable pleasure from the fact that my daughter and her 6-year-old brother are amazed that Miley and Hannah Montana are actually the same person. It pleases me to no end as I often say, "Yeah, that blonde wig is a tricky customer alright!"

I popped this release into our PS3 with the most open-minded intentions possible. The fact that my daughter would love it was a foregone conclusion, but little did I expect to be tapping my foot and nodding my head along with almost every tune. Originally a theatrical release that had a one week run during the first week of February 2008, Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert is a high-energy, professional show that ranks with some of the best live concert performances I've ever seen either on DVD or in person. The 3-D movie brought in $8,651,758 on its opening day, and continued on to gross $31,117,834 to finish off the weekend, making it the highest-grossing opening weekend for a film to be released under 1,000 screens.

Miley Cyrus and her entire on-stage entourage give 110 per cent through the whole concert, delivering an hour and 22 minutes of fun. Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas, a.k.a. The Jonas Brothers, also join Hannah Montana on stage for one song and two of their own. As young pop boy bands go, The Jonas Brothers are a talented trio that adds to the entertainment value of the whole concert.

Concert Set List:

Hannah Montana

"Rock Star"
"Life's What You Make It"
"Just Like You"
"Nobody's Perfect"
"Pumpin' Up the Party"
"I Got Nerve"
"We Got the Party (With Us)"...featuring the Jonas Brothers

Jonas Brothers

"When You Look Me in the Eyes"
"Year 3000"

Miley Cyrus

"Start All Over"
"See You Again"
"Let's Dance"
"Right Here"
"I Miss You"
"G.N.O. (Girl's Night Out)"
"Best of Both Worlds"...featuring Hannah Montana

Viewers are given the option of watching the entire concert in either 2-D or 3-D 1080p hi-def and both versions are visually impressive. The depth and clarity is stunning with deep colors and deep, solid blacks that add to the drama of the darkened concert venue.

Turning to the 3-D presentation, thankfully this is not your grandmother's 3D. I still fondly remember my first experience with 3-D when I saw The Creature From the Black Lagoon as a kid. It may be my almost 40-year-old eyes, or the fact that the 3-D glasses were not designed to fit my adult-sized head, but I had to sit them forward on my nose to get the full 3-D effect. The blue and red colors of the 3-D effect are still somewhat visible as you watch, but the 3-D effect is still solid and entertaining. The behind the scenes and rehearsal segments that are intercut between songs are available in 2-D only, so viewers need to do some quick changes with their glasses from time to time, but it's never inconvenient or overly intrusive.

The audio is where the presentation really shines through the 7.1 DTS Master Audio track. Vocals are always crisp and clear, the bass delivers a solid foundation while never dominating the mix, and the surround channels get a solid workout. The bottom line? Viewers are left with an impressive Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus concert experience, without the painful VISA bill to follow.

Bonus features include 2-D versions of the bonus songs "S.O.S." by the Jonas Brothers and "Good And Broken" by Miley Cyrus. Viewers can also "Sing Along With the Movie" on 2-D versions of "Rock Star" and "Life's What You Make It" as the words appear on the screen karaoke style. "The Ultimate Personal Tour" follows Miley Cyrus back stage from when she arrives at the venue, through sound checks and wardrobe and show time until she heads back to her bus after a job well done. The "Song Selection" feature allows viewers to jump directly to their favorite song or to "Play All." "

The Rebuttal Witnesses

I get the concept of the TV show and that folks seem to have no ability to distinguish Hannah Montana from mild mannered teenager Miley Stewart, but it's still a bit weird that the audience starts the concert off chanting "Hannah, Hanna" and Cyrus hits the stage sporting her blonde locks. But I'm also the guy who's willing to suspend the disbelief that no one can figure out that without those thick glasses Clark Kent is really Superman, and that when Bruce Wayne simply lowers his voice and covers the top half of his face, Holy Conundrum! He's Batman!

Closing Statement

If you're looking for a solidly entertaining, family-appropriate concert release, this is it.

Prior to the sold out Salt Lake City concert that is featured in Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert, a local radio station held a promotion where fathers had the opportunity to compete against each other, running while wearing high heels. Having seen this release, I'd definitely be up for a high-heeled sprint to take my daughter to a concert like this. Miley Cyrus is a shooting star who has years of career and incredible talent to share with her fans around the world.

The Verdict

Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana in hi-def and 3-D? How could they possibly be guilty?

Every story has a beginning, but only one begins under the sea.

Opening Statement

Late into the Michael Eisner regime, Disney was bleeding its many franchise characters dry by churning out sub-par sequels like a Wal-Mart South American sweat shop. But when Bob Iger took over the company, initiated the merger with Pixar, and placed prodigal son John Lasseter at the helm of the company's animation division, Walt's original nine old men smiled a collective ethereal smile. The pillaging and plundering had finally ended. And while there were still a few projects left in active development, John and his team ran them through the development gauntlet before giving the green light to continue. True, the damage had been done and there was no way to erase the litany of past embarrassments (Cinderella II, Jungle Book 2, Belle's Magical World), but they could at the very least ensure that these memorable characters would be held in high regard going forward. Such is the case of The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning. While not a slam dunk successor to the original, this touching prequel adventure further enhances the story of Ariel and the unique bond she shares with her father, King Triton.

Facts of the Case

Long ago, the Kingdom of Atlantica was a magical place filled with music and love as set forth by the royal family of King Triton, Queen Athena, and their seven daughters. But a tragic accident shattered that world, and in their grief the kingdom suffered. Anything that reminded the King of his lost love was to be removed from sight and earshot. With a hardened heart, Triton threw himself into his work, hiring a governess to raise his daughters, and his forcing his subjects deep underground to keep their musical passions alive. But the spirit of Athena could not be supressed. Growing strong in their youngest daughter, Ariel, the awkwardly unassuming water nymph was about set this now regimented kingdom on its ear.

The Evidence

By all rights, The Little Mermaid should stand shoulder to shoulder with Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Sleeping Beauty, and 101 Dalmatians as the crown jewels of Disney animation. Snow's pioneering ingenuity, Beauty's sweeping visuals, and Dalmatians stylized pop art humor defined the company for two generations, but when the foundation of that great tradition began to crumble under the weight of its own bloated complacency, it was Mermaid that rebirthed Disney's once proud glory. So it's with great trepidation that we approach Ariel's Beginning, knowing full well that its predecessor The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea was an uninspired mistake. But director Peggy Holmes takes a script from Robert Reece (Cinderella III: A Twist in Time) and Evan Spiliotopoulos (The Lion King 1 1/2) and crafts a heartwarming father/daughter tale of love and loss, with enough extraneous goofiness to entertain the kids.

Ariel continues to be the wide-eyed optimist, wanting nothing more than to experience life to its fullest. Her discovery of the kingdom's underground music scene, courtesy of new friend Flounder, and the ultimate redemption of her father's broken heart propels the story and leads us seamlessly into the opening of the original film. There were concerns on the part of Jodi Benson -- who has voiced and embodied Ariel for more than 20 years -- that the writers were trying too hard to modernize the character, but her insistence on remaining true to Ariel's innocence has paid off. While many of her supporting cast fill that 21st Century hipster vibe, there are no major disconnects in franchise.

Where Ariel's Beginning does falter is in its musical lifeblood, or lack thereof. The late Howard Ashman was the emotional core of Disney's modern royalty -- Ariel, Belle, and Jasmine. And while Broadway's Jeanine Tesori (Thoroughly Modern Millie) and composer James Dooley infuse their own musical talents into the film, they don't come anywhere close to Howard's genius. Jodi does get an opportunity to exercise her chords on "I Remember" and is always in fine form, but when Howard passed away, so did Ariel's true voice. So to label this a musical, would be false advertising. This is no more evident than in the character of Marina Del Rey, the girls' governess. While she's definitely no Ursula, feebly talk-singing her way through "One Mistake," Oscar winner Sally Field creates an otherwise engaging portrayal, despite the lyrical failings. Unfortunately, Marina's evil ways fall well short of expectations, lacking originality (lifting Ursula's eel infatuation) and leaving her a toothless villain in the Disney pantheon. Another surprising disappointment can be found in the performance of Sam Wright as Sebastian. The 61 year old seems to have lost the spark and vocal edge that made the crustacean so memorable to begin with. There are times the character doesn't even sound like himself. But all performance shortcomings are forgiven whenever Triton appears. Jim Cummings does a masterful job with this complex emotional role, and in doing so becomes the definitive voice for this Disney monarch. He is, without a doubt, the highlight of the film.

Elevating the level of ToonDisney animation from television grade to a step below feature quality, the 1.78:1 anamorphic presentation meshes well with Ariel's original big screen adventure. A rich color palette, detailed backgrounds, a nicely integrated mix of traditional and computer animation, and a depth of shading make up for the somewhat simplified character design. Ariel's sisters are fairly interchangeable, with few visual and personality touches to differentiate themselves. Marina looks like a generic amalgam of Medusa (The Rescuers), Cruella DeVille (101 Dalmatians), and Cinderella's wicked stepmother. And her sidekick, Benjamin, is a bland underdeveloped manatee too often blending into the background (belying an otherwise fun performance by Jeff Bennett). But Ariel, Flounder, Sebastian, and King Triton remain true to established form.

The DTS and Dolby 5.1 audio mixes are nothing special, given that the film is extremely dialogue driven. There's little in the way of ambient effects and Dooley's score is rather forgettable. Even the depth of character voice placement in this vast undersea world seems lacking.

In terms of bonus materials, the selection is fairly pedestrian. A behind the scenes featurette on director Peggy Holmes, two deleted scenes, an interactive games to determine which of Ariel's sisters you are most like, and a sing along option do nothing to truly enhance the experience. The only real value is a brief behind the scenes look at The Little Mermaid on Broadway, hosted by its Ariel, Sierra Boggess.

Closing Statement

Focusing solely on the character development of Ariel and her father, this heartfelt tale is worth 77 minutes of your time. Everything else is water weight.

The Verdict

A pleasant day at the beach.

Do you know what really goes on in the mind of the person with whom you sleep?

Opening Statement

"I don't know what I'd do if you ever left me."

Facts of the Case

Harry (Chris Cooper, Breach) is a good man. The year is 1949, and Harry is a successful businessman who is respected by his peers. He is kind, considerate, and polite. Harry is married to Pat (Patricia Clarkson, Far From Heaven), who is a loving and affectionate wife who seems to be particularly dependent on Harry. However, Harry thinks he has fallen in love with another woman. The woman is named Kay (Rachel McAdams, Red Eye), a beautiful young blonde. However, Harry is torn apart inside. He loves Kay, but he doesn't want to hurt Pat's feelings.

Harry's best friend is Richard (Pierce Brosnan, The Matador), a wolfish fellow who has a tendency to change girlfriends every two weeks. Harry tells Richard of his dilemma and finally asserts that he is going to leave Pat and marry Kay. Richard is a little skeptical of Harry's plan but takes an aggressive stand against it when he meets Kay. Richard thinks Kay is an absolutely wonderful woman and begins attempting to think of a way to have her for himself.

Harry tries to tell Pat of his plans, but when she has an emotional breakdown, he quickly reassures her that she must have misunderstood him. He simply can't bear the thought of hurting poor Pat, but he has to find a way to be with Kay. Suddenly, the perfect solution hits him. He'll murder Pat. He'll find a way to do it simply, a way that won't cause any mental or physical anguish. It will be best for everyone, he reasons. Will Harry pull off this "mercy killing," or change his mind before he takes the life of his loving wife?

The Evidence

This film is right up my alley. Married Life supplies an intoxicating cocktail of elegant wit, Douglas Sirk-inspired melodrama, and Hitchcockian suspense filtered through the particularly snappy costume and set design of the late 1940s. Regardless of what you think of the film itself, it's simply wonderful to look at. I'm not sure that 1949 always looked like what is presented in this film, but surely sometimes it did, and Married Life captures the era at its sharpest. Well-dressed men and women sit around in well-furnished rooms and smoke cigarettes. I don't smoke, and I don't approve of smoking, but I love cigarettes in the movies. It is a prop that an actor can use in so many ways to say something without actually speaking. Additionally, cigarettes provide that wonderful smoky haze that adds a terrific sense of atmosphere to a room.

Enough about that. What about the film itself? Married Life is an engaging and well-crafted character study that mixes comedy and suspense quite nicely, with a whiff of melancholy hanging over everything. The film isn't quite as tightly crafted as a Hitchcock suspense flick (not many movies are), but it does seem a little warmer than your average Hitchcock film. The people in this film are all sympathetic characters, even the potentially murderous Harry. They all have secrets, they all make mistakes, but we understand why they feel the way they do. The movie is billed as a comedy, but most of the laughs here are the sort of nervously uncomfortable laughs that come when you catch someone you know doing something embarrassing. The film is funny, but don't see it if you're looking for a good time. The movie is likely to provide more fingernail-biting than giggling.

The characters are refreshingly complex, and the relationships between them are not as simple as we expect. Yes, Harry has fallen in love with a younger and prettier woman. However, he's not in it for the sex. In fact, we never see a single sexual encounter between the two of them. He's in the relationship because Kay provides him with doting affection, which he so craves. Though Pat is a very nice woman, she feels that the only way to express love is through sex, and Harry disagrees. Meanwhile, Kay is enthusiastic about the idea of "nursing Harry to happiness," but she has her own physical cravings, which Richard is more than eager to fulfill. That's only the beginning; these characters are spun through a series of developments that are both surprising and believable.

The four key performances are all excellent. Chris Cooper is always good, and here he turns in yet another perfectly defined character. Somehow, he manages to convince us that Harry really is planning to murder Pat out of the goodness of his heart. Patricia Clarkson stands right alongside Joan Allen as one of the actresses who has mastered the art of playing simple characters who have something bubbling below the surface, and does so again here. Pierce Brosnan continues to re-invent himself in his post-Bond years, and here turns in a performance that ranks alongside his best work in The Matador and The Tailor of Panama. If there's a weak link, it's Rachel McAdams as Kay, who doesn't quite manage to seem as well-developed as the other characters. Still, this is tough competition, and McAdams does a decent enough job with the part.

The transfer looks pretty clean and sharp, with reasonably deep blacks and well-balanced colors. Sound is fine, with Dickon Hinchliffe's champagne-smooth score coming through nice and clear. Extras include a solid commentary track with director Ira Sachs and three alternate endings. Wow, are they alternate endings. The first ending runs ten minutes and essentially throws these characters into a compressed version of the third act from Million Dollar Baby. I'm not joking. It's every bit as bad as it sounds, thank goodness they cut it out. The second runs seven minutes, and is just a slightly shorter version of the Million Dollar Baby ending. Finally, we have a two-minute alternate ending, which is okay. The actual ending of the movie is far superior to any of these three.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

Some viewers may grow frustrated by the fact that the film does not commit itself more wholeheartedly to a particular tone. It includes elements of Sirk melodrama, but doesn't take them too far. It offers plenty of Hitchcock-style suspense, but is frequently relieving your nerves with bits of light humor along the way. I think the movie works nicely as it is, but I imagine some viewers will become a little exasperated with it's refusal to plunge full-speed into any particular area.

Closing Statement

Married Life is an above-average character study that boasts some very fine acting and an intelligent script. It's an easy recommendation.

The Verdict

Not guilty.

She's beautiful, smart, funny and TOTALLY CRAZY.

The Case

Dear Fox,

While this may seem sudden to you, this letter has been a long time coming. I've been trying to put it off, hoping that things would eventually start to get better again. They haven't, though, and I realize now that I can't ignore these problems anymore.

Please, don't get me wrong. You were my first love, and I'll never forget the wonderful times we had together. You brought me Star Wars at a crucial time in my life, and it changed everything for me. I remember the summer that Independence Day came out. I thought it was the coolest thing ever at the time, and I really believed that we'd be together forever. We had so many great times together: watching The Simpsons and Buffy, curled up together on the couch in my parents' basement watching The X-Files in the dark...I knew then that I had found the one I wanted to be with forever.

Lately, though, you've started to change, and it's even getting hard to recognize you as the studio that I once loved. It really hurt when you cancelled Firefly, and then last year you didn't even give Drive a chance. Now, there's all of these rumours about Watchmen getting shut down over an underhanded lawsuit, and I'm starting to wonder if you really care about me at all. You used to be one of the most daring, sexy studios in Hollywood, but it's been a long time since you've brought anything exciting to our relationship. Over the past few years, it's all about safe bets that don't turn out that well, repeats of the same movies over and over again.

And now, here I am, holding the screener for My Sassy Girl in my hand, and so much about our relationship has come into focus. You know full well how much this movie means to me. The original is the best romantic comedy ever made, and I've been begging for an American release for years. Instead, you made this remake, and it's one of the harshest betrayals I've ever experienced. It's also made me realize a number of things about our own collapsing relationship.

The story of My Sassy Girl is a little too much like what I've been going through with you. This really nice innocent guy named Charlie (Jesse Bradford, Swimfan) gets completely steamrolled by this attractive but troubled girl named Jordan (Elisha Cuthbert, House of Wax). He takes care of her when she passes out drunk at a subway station, which starts up their rocky romance. While she mostly treats him like crap, he falls hopelessly in love with her anyway, and she puts him through a lot of pain and suffering.

The best thing I can say about the remake is how close the script conforms to the original. Many scenes are transcribed almost exactly from the original film, including a number of things that I didn't expect would be left in the remake. Unfortunately, My Sassy Girl isn't really a remake of the 2001 film, so much as it is a remake of the translated script. While much of the dialogue remains intact, I'm convinced that director Yann Samuell (Love Me If You Dare) and the cast never actually watched the original film, or didn't entirely understand it. The original is extremely funny and deeply touching, but neither of those characteristics translates to your version.

The biggest problem? The titular character isn't especially sassy. In the original, the girl rips across the screen like a whirlwind. We totally understand why Gyun-woo would want to be with her, even though she beats him up and controls his life. Here, Cuthbert just fizzles as an annoying drunk. It makes no sense that Charlie would want to be with her, and her lack of spunk makes her more like a yippy Yorkshire terrier than Ji-hyun Jun's Tasmanian devil. Add to that an annoying sidekick that wasn't in the original, poorly delivered dialogue and pacing that demonstrates a near shocking level of ineptitude, and I can say pretty confidently that this signals the end between us.

Maybe you'll claim that it's unfair to judge this movie solely on how it compares to the original, which most people in North America haven't seen. To that charge, I counter that it could be seen by more people if it would actually get released here, and that I would have even preferred to see a dub of the original to this bottom-of-the-barrel remake. And you know how I feel about dubs. Ultimately, the remake of My Sassy Girl shows just what you've turned into. You lack the courage to take a risk on the original, so you set up a by-the-numbers remake that you know will be successful. When the Asian remake craze wears off before production begins, you don't even take that risk, instead tossing it to a second-rate production team and slipping it out on DVD, hoping that fans of the original won't notice what you've done. This, from the studio that once took a risk on Star Wars and Alien, who released Fight Club into the mainstream market.

So that's why it's over. I really don't like who you've become, and even though I will always remember the wonderful times we had in the past, all the feelings I have for you are gone now. I've been hurt by you too many times to blindly put my faith in you anymore, and I'm breaking this off before I get hurt again. I know it's going to be hard to avoid you completely, so I hope that we'll still be able to be friends. These recent events are going to be hard to forgive, though, so you'll need to be patient with me as these wounds heal.

In the meantime, I'm going to be listening to Beck's Sea Change, eating frozen yoghurt, and watching Buffy Season 3, just to hang onto how great things used to be.

Goodbye, Fox. I'm ready to move on, and I hope you will too.

Sincerely (but not affectionately),
Joel Pearce

Eureka! This year, Christmas will be OURS!!!

The Case

The giddy childlike innocence so prevalent within me on opening night -- Oct 29, 1993 -- is still very much alive today, 15 years later. A visit to Walt Disney World in November '93 gave me the opportunity to spend more than an hour exploring the film's many puppets and sets on display in the backlot of the then Disney/MGM studios. And just last year, during a tour of Disney's Animation Research Library in Glendale, CA, I came face to face once again with many of the original puppets and maquettes carefully stored in the Disney vaults. So, as you can imagine, the anticipation I had for this Blu-ray release was just as great as the Special Edition DVD, which coincidentally was the first film I ever saw on the format...and neither of them have disappointed.

With each subsequent evolution, The Nightmare Before Christmas becomes more and more entrenched as one of the greatest animated musicals of all time. And while the official title remains "Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas," this film owes as much, if not more to Danny Elfman and Henry Selick, as it does Tim's creative genius. While Tim's attention was divided between two or three other projects, the heart and soul of Nightmare belonged to Danny's passionately introspective songs and Henry's oh so green foray into the most ambitious stop-motion animation project ever conceived. In their own way, both of these men are Jack Skellington; exceptionally gifted artists in their own right (Danny with Boingo, Henry as an animator), each went looking for something more from life and ended up blazing new trails for themselves, opening doors they didn't even know were there.

But I digress. The history of the film and analysis of its many production nuances have been covered exceptionally well by my former business partner and predecessor Chief Justice Mike Jackson, in his reviews of the two original DVD releases. So let's focus on the many new wrinkles revealed in this highly anticipated BD release.

As you know, two years ago, Nightmare was given the Disney Digital 3-D treatment. Sure retrofit multi-dimensional enhancement was interesting, but it was the clarity of the image and depth of detail that made this presentation shine. For the first time, we could almost feel the Edward Gorey-inspired textures of Deane Taylor, Barry Jackson, and Gregg Olsson's magically delicious sets. And while impressive on the big screen, having that level of detail up close and personal in your living room, juices the film's already intense emotional imagery. From the water marks on the windows of Jack's tower laboratory to the frayed threads on Sally's dress, from the Seussical Christmas Town to Oogie's whacked out torture chamber, every scene oozes with new discoveries and I don't think I'll ever get bored letting my eyes roam around the frame.

Beyond the picture, Nightmare benefits tremendously from a 7.1 Dolby mix that will rock your home theatre with more Danny Elfman/Steve Bartek goodness ever thought possible. In group numbers like "This is Halloween" and "Making Christmas," the ensemble envelopes you like theatre in the round. In most cases, a surround mix leverages the ambient environmental effects, but here it's the vocals that make all the difference in the world. When many of these characters are offscreen, their presence remains; so much so, that their absence is palpable during Jack's pondering monologues and other quiet two or three-character interactions. Kudos to the audio team for painting an even broader landscape.

The other important facet of this release are the bonus materials. There are no BD-exclusives, but Disney and Nightmare fans have several reasons to cheer. First and foremost is a tri-level commentary track, and while I generally despise commentaries hacked together from different sources, having Henry, Tim, and Danny all sharing their thoughts and insights is a very welcome addition. Danny's is the closest to a true audio commentary, right down to the many cases of him saying "Wait, here it comes..." and then singing along or recalling truly personal memories. It's a joy to listen to, deserving of an isolated track all its own. Tim and Henry are a bit drier, but like parents at their child's high school graduation, both share deep personal feelings for the film and its birthing process. All three have had 15 years to ruminate on their respective experiences and do so by wearing their hearts on their sleeves throughout. Completists will be distressed by the absence of Henry's and cinematographer Pete Kozachik's audio commentary for the Special Edition DVD, but you had to expect that something would get left out along the way. It is Disney, after all.

The other two new additions are an animated version of Tim's original poem, "The Nightmare Before Christmas," envisioned through his original sketches and narrated by the one and only Christopher Lee; and the greatest treat a Disney theme park geek could ask for -- a full walk through and an exceptional 38-minute behind the scenes making of Disneyland's "Haunted Mansion Holiday." For those who have never had the pleasure of experiencing this holiday treat, the unique walk through perspective gives you a chance to see a bit more than riders normally would from their Doom Buggy. Yes, I could have done without some of the wacky handheld camera movements, but listening to that wonderful holiday soundtrack and Corey Burton's narrative homage to great Paul Frees makes me look even more forward to the attraction's late September debut at the Magic Kingdom. An optional trivia track distills even more info about the Mansion's history, with some info even I didn't know, like the holiday pyramid in the load area serves as an advent calendar in which a new box is opened during each week of the Holiday Mansion's 13 week run, and that more than 10 million people travel through the attraction each year.

Okay, easing out of geek mode, the remainder of the bonus features are ported over from the Special Edition release. Tim does provide brief intros for each of his short films: Vincent (1982) -- a tribute to the late Vincent Price, as narrated by the legend himself; and Frankenweenie (1984), in which Tim provides a quick update on pre-production and character sketches for his full-length stop motion adaptation. What I never realized is that Sofia Coppola played Victor's exercise-loving and freakishly tall neighbor Anne Chambers, credited as Domino in the film. That must have been her stripper name. I kid. More Nightmare ports include a making of documentary (in which Pixar's Joe Ranft appears), deleted animation sequences, storyboards, production design galleries, a storyboard to film comparison, lobby posters, and original theatrical trailers. And, last but not least, the much heralded digital copy of the film, which is quickly becoming the industry anti-piracy standard for new releases.

Save for the one sole omission, there's little complaint to be had with The Nightmare Before Christmas [Blu-ray]. Its attention to detail has earned the film a proud place alongside Blade Runner: Complete Collector's Edition [Blu-ray] and Transformers [HD DVD]<